The Unspoken Taboos of Pleasure: A Cultural Hangover

The recent exchange in Slate’s “How to Do It” column between Jessica and a reader, Chill Out, has shed light on a deeply ingrained cultural phenomenon: the guilt surrounding personal pleasure. Chill Out, a cis queer woman, shared her struggles with masturbation, feeling like she needs to “earn” it or justify its frequency. This sentiment is not unique to her; many people have internalized similar messages about indulging in pleasure.

The Catholic upbringing mentioned by Chill Out has had a lasting impact on societal norms that dictate what we consider acceptable. The notion that pleasure must be earned, rather than simply enjoyed, has far-reaching implications. It’s not just about sex; it’s also about the way we approach relaxation, self-care, and even productivity.

Erica Smith, a sex educator and author of “The Purity Culture Recovery Guide,” offers insightful advice in her response to Chill Out. She warns against creating new standards that feel unnatural or impossible to meet. Instead, she encourages readers to tune into their own desires and needs, rather than trying to conform to external expectations.

The Legacy of Shame

The idea that pleasure must be earned is a remnant of the purity culture that has left an indelible mark on many people. This cultural trope affects not only our attitudes towards sex but also influences how we approach other aspects of life. As Smith notes, the messages we received about sex can have far-reaching effects, extending to our understanding of productivity, joy, and relaxation.

In order to break free from these patterns, it’s essential to reexamine the messages we’ve internalized. This involves recognizing that pleasure is not something to be guiltily indulged in but rather an inherent part of being human. Smith’s advice to focus on the small pleasures in life can be a starting point for developing this mindset.

The Burden of Responsibility

The pressure to justify our desires, particularly when it comes to sex and masturbation, can be overwhelming. Chill Out’s concern about overspending on “implements, devices, or media” is a symptom of this broader issue. Rather than viewing pleasure as something to be guiltily enjoyed, we should focus on making the most of what we have.

This approach not only applies to physical aspects of pleasure but also to emotional and mental well-being. It’s time to recognize that our capacity for pleasure is not something to be ashamed of, but rather something to be celebrated.

Shifting Perspectives

The conversation sparked by Chill Out’s letter is just the beginning. It’s a call to action for those who have internalized these shame-based attitudes towards pleasure. By acknowledging and working through these patterns, we can create a more nuanced understanding of what it means to live a fulfilling life.

Erica Smith’s book offers a valuable resource for those looking to recover from the effects of purity culture. However, the journey towards embracing pleasure is not about external guides or resources; it’s about cultivating a deeper understanding of ourselves and our desires.

As we move forward, it’s essential to remember that pleasure is not something to be earned or justified but rather an inherent part of being human. By shifting our perspective on this fundamental aspect of life, we can break free from the shackles of shame and live more authentic, fulfilling lives.